COUNTERPOINT: Spring is the worst season ever.

There are many reasons why spring is the worst season ever. Paul Simon tends to release new albums in spring. Abraham Lincoln was assassinated in spring. Jennifer Lopez’ 2005 romantic comedy Monster-in-Law was released in spring. There are so many things to hate about spring, but what I hate most, and what makes spring the worst season ever, are my allergies.

How bad are my allergies? They are so bad that every year I contemplate taking out a full-page ad in the Minneapolis Star Tribune to send a personal message to the makers of Target-brand tissue paper. That message: You’re welcome, motherfuckers! By my calculations I account for about a quarter of your overall revenue between mid-April and mid-June. My allergies are so bad that the comforter on my bed becomes unnecessary because I usually wake up blanketed under a warm, gooey shell of used Target-brand tissue paper.

So, Mr. Target-Executive-In-Charge-Of-Making-Money-Off-Tissue-Paper, the next time you’re out cruising around in your limousine with Burt Reynolds celebrating your record profits remember to take a moment to thank me and my horrible, horrible allergies. Fuck you, allergies. And spring, you can eat rancid donkey shit and die.

About the Author: Dominick Washington lives in Chicago, but he’s from Sioux Falls, SD. That’s right, Sioux Falls, SD. He does not like people. You especially. After meeting Dominick for the first time most people come away thinking, “Wow. That guy is a real dick. I mean, seriously, how can someone hate so many things so intensely?” If you want to follow him on Twitter, just do it already. Dominick doesn’t have time for your hemming and hawing.