26May/111
COUNTER COUNTERPOINT: You Know What, Spring is Really Kind of Aiiiiiiight
I’d be lying if I said spring was my favorite season. Shorts are awkward, April legs are pasty, and yes: allergies. I also hate the hay-fever feeling that makes me want to scoop out my eyeballs and dunk them in a glass of water. But you know what I say to allergies? Sudafed.
Then I sit back and enjoy the things that make spring a fun, and at the very least unique, three months:
- Daffodils. Tulips are great, but daffodils? Slightly better. More personality. They’re the first color you see in the year, and they have bright, bursting petals that make them look like goofy little flower-lions. If I were to join a band with any flower, I would want to do so with Daffodils.
- Summer plans. Remembering that life will not always be a trek through needling wind, we start planning for the Best Summer Ever!!!. We look for free concerts in the park; we brave our first, chilly, al fresco cocktails (maybe accompanied by an ambitious though premature grill-out); we go to the first baseball games of the season. Being outside is less something to bear, but an activity to enjoy—provided you’ve taken aforementioned Sudafed.
- Fucking. Biology is bigger than all of us, and springtime, no matter who you are, awakens that basic and glorious motivation for most things we do: At the end of the day (or at the beginning—I don’t know your life), we want to pull close the body next to us
and fuck the shit out of it. And springtime affection is different from any other time of the year. It’s exploratory, it’s fresh, it’s invigorating. And it can include high-fives to your partner to celebrate another winter survived.
So sure, spring isn’t the best season, but it’s still pretty damn good. For anyone having trouble with it, I recommend a toolkit of Sudafed, brand-name tissue (you deserve it!), and daffodils, which you can bring to that special someone. They may be moved to demonstrate their gratitude with a traditional springtime gesture.
About the author: Terry Selucky is a professional gambler (aka grantwriter), playwright, and a frequent contributor to Comedy Central's Webby Award-winning Indecision blog. Her favorite projects include writing and producing with The Serious Theatre Collective, curating a graphic novel section for Opium magazine, and touching, smelling, and tasting. She is excited to be included in this shiny new thing, Clothesline Productions.
May 27th, 2011 - 15:36
My Rebuttal to Your Counter-Counterpoint
1. You know who liked daffodils? Hitler. He loved daffodils and I kind of make it a rule to NOT like things that Hitler liked. Except bratwurst. I’ll eat the fuck out of some bratwurst.
2. Making summer plans, seriously? That sounds like a bunch of administrative, logistical bullshit to me. I don’t think I need to say anything else, really.
3. Fucking is best in the fall because they both start with the letter ‘F’. That’s a scientific fact, that I believe it’s called Alliterative Seasonal Eroticism.
4. I don’t use Sudafed because I am a Christian Scientist. And thanks to a little thing called the Constitution of the United States of America you can’t make me take any drug I don’t want to take.
Game. Set. Match. Spring licks a homeless man’s taint.