Spring Cleaning Your Computer

I'm going to hold your hand while we take baby steps to fix that inoperable mess that you are too dumb to have any business using.

First of all, let's get a couple things straight. You should definitely buy an iPad. I understand that you are far too busy and important to be bothered with learning anything at all and would much rather hopelessly stumble around in a pool filled with your own ignorance rather than take 30 seconds out of your hectic life to spend maintaining that $400 piece of crap you bought seven years ago and somehow expect to perform what you can only hypothesize is some form of voodoo that ultimately results in YouTube videos of ticklish penguins or cats playing on treadmills. So, by all means, please go purchase one of these magical iPads and don't bother your pretty little face with the most miniscule amounts of knowledge required for modern PC maintenance.

Yeah, I know. That was a pretty long paragraph and since you aren't the strongest reader I'm guessing that you probably didn't really catch all that. That's ok. It's because you are stupid. And definitely too stupid to run a PC.I would wager that you don't really have even the most basic aspects of your computer setup properly.

1. Antivirus
2. Backups
3. Updates

I know it sounds simple but you really need to remember how totally useless and ineffectual you are when confronted with these types of problems. You know, problems that require attention to solve.

At this point, it probably didn't occur to you to make any type of effort to search for a solution to these problems on your own, so I went ahead and did all the work for you.

Click here, dumbass.

That's called a Google search. It may be referred to as “googling” something.

On a related topic, have you ever heard that story about feeding a person vs. teaching them how to fish?

Moving on... Pointless as it may be....

Go ahead and download Microsoft Security Essentials and install it (you did follow the link, didn't you?). If you already have some other antivirus software installed than you may actually be a little smarter than I have been giving you credit for but probably not because it likely expired 2 years ago and you didn't do anything about the numerous messages that it sent you warning you of said expiration because you were scared or something ridiculous like that. If that is not the case, then remove that other antivirus software anyway because you probably did something wrong and I really don't give a crap if you paid $120 for it at Best Buy. That was your own dumb fault.

I digress...Install Microsoft Security Essentials and run a scan on your computer. It will most likely find a bunch of spyware and viruses from the 4 hours a day you spend on YouPorn. Yeah, there is no such thing as free....not even on the internet. Are you this stupid in real life too?

Whatever. Once that is finished then you should setup some backups. Or not. I don't even know why I am trying.

Oh yeah, I remember. I'm trying to help now because in 3 months when your hard drive dies after you failed to backup the only copy of your wedding photos and the videos of your child's first steps, I'm really hoping that you won't resort to calling me, because when I drive out to your crappy apartment, you'll be subjected to my exposed ass while I crawl under your desk to open your disgusting crusty dusty ancient piece of crap computer where it's likely I'll tell you, "You must have climbed up a stupid tree with your computer then fallen out, smacking every branch on the way down because all of your memories are gone forever."

Install Crashplan. Just click the link...

Are you really too lazy to find this yourself?

Crashplan is cheap/free. Don't think about it. Thinking isn't really your strong suit. Just do it. Download it, install it.

And finally, the last item on our list, updates. You should install them. Always. No exceptions. Make sure your computer is configured to install updates automatically because you are pretty much made of stupid and can't really be trusted with anything this important.

If you are running Windows 7 then you can type “Windows Update” in the search bar at the bottom of the start menu to find the proper settings. If you are running Windows Vista or Windows XP then you are a moron and should get a computer that was built some time after Stone Henge. If you don't know what version of Windows you are running then you are pretty much hopeless and should just give up and get an iPad. It has all your favorite cat videos from the youtubes...I promise.

-David Holder