How bad are my allergies? They are so bad that every year I contemplate taking out a full-page ad in the Minneapolis Star Tribune to send a personal message to the makers of Target-brand tissue paper. That message: You’re welcome, motherfuckers! By my calculations I account for about a quarter of your overall revenue between mid-April and mid-June. My allergies are so bad that the comforter on my bed becomes unnecessary because I usually wake up blanketed under a warm, gooey shell of used Target-brand tissue paper.

So, Mr. Target-Executive-In-Charge-Of-Making-Money-Off-Tissue-Paper, the next time you’re out cruising around in your limousine with Burt Reynolds celebrating your record profits remember to take a moment to thank me and my horrible, horrible allergies. Fuck you, allergies. And spring, you can eat rancid donkey shit and die.

About the Author: Dominick Washington lives in Chicago, but he’s from Sioux Falls, SD. That’s right, Sioux Falls, SD. He does not like people. You especially. After meeting Dominick for the first time most people come away thinking, “Wow. That guy is a real dick. I mean, seriously, how can someone hate so many things so intensely?” If you want to follow him on Twitter, just do it already. Dominick doesn’t have time for your hemming and hawing.

Then I sit back and enjoy the things that make spring a fun, and at the very least unique, three months:

1. Daffodils. Tulips are great, but daffodils? Slightly better. More personality. They’re the first color you see in the year, and they have bright, bursting petals that make them look like goofy little flower-lions. If I were to join a band with any flower, I would want to do so with Daffodils.
2. Summer plans. Remembering that life will not always be a trek through needling wind, we start planning for the Best Summer Ever!!!. We look for free concerts in the park; we brave our first, chilly, al fresco cocktails (maybe accompanied by an ambitious though premature grill-out); we go to the first baseball games of the season. Being outside is less something to bear, but an activity to enjoy—provided you’ve taken aforementioned Sudafed.
3. Fucking. Biology is bigger than all of us, and springtime, no matter who you are, awakens that basic and glorious motivation for most things we do: At the end of the day (or at the beginning—I don’t know your life), we want to pull close the body next to us
   and fuck the shit out of it. And springtime affection is different from any other time of the year. It’s exploratory, it’s fresh, it’s invigorating. And it can include high-fives to your partner to celebrate another winter survived.

So sure, spring isn’t the best season, but it’s still pretty damn good. For anyone having trouble with it, I recommend a toolkit of Sudafed, brand-name tissue (you deserve it!), and daffodils, which you can bring to that special someone. They may be moved to demonstrate their gratitude with a traditional springtime gesture.

About the author: Terry Selucky is a professional gambler (aka grantwriter), playwright, and a frequent contributor to Comedy Central's Webby Award-winning Indecision blog. Her favorite projects include writing and producing with The Serious Theatre Collective, curating a graphic novel section for Opium magazine, and touching, smelling, and tasting. She is excited to be included in this shiny new thing, Clothesline Productions.

About the artist: Jordan Martins is an artist living in Chicago. From his website www.jordanmartins.com:

My current work explores collage technique in the broad sense: appropriation as a discursive act, an interweaving of disparate elements into new hybrid possibilities. This exploration can take the form of collaged book fragments embedded in layers of resin, video collages, sound experiments and installations of found materials.

At the sign of the first frost, you dig out your sweaters and pants made from weighty cotton, and they are all like old friends. “Hey, I remember you, you sage-green poncho thing that fits me like a welcomed blanket.” You shove the light-weight stuff to the back of the closet and make room for the winter stuff, the heavy stuff, the comfort clothes.

But your affection for these clothes turns on a dime, like your affection for your favorite food that you eat too much of and suddenly can’t stomach for one more meal, and you can’t wait for warmer weather so you can bring out the short-sleeved shirts and your favorite summer pants, those flowy linen ones with big pockets. And as for that sage-green poncho thing, you begin to see it with objective eyes, and you realize it doesn’t fit you like a welcomed blanket. It fits you like your grandmother’s nubby old cardigan with linty mints in the pocket, and you’d just as soon burn it as stow it away for another season.

And that’s when you know it’s spring. Time to hang up the coat. Time to dig under the bed for your sandals. Time to dust off those flowy linen pants you love so much. And time to shed the ill-fitting sweaters, no matter the comfort they brought you on chilly days. They’ll be waiting for you come October, about the time you discover you’ve come to hate those linen pants and wish you could incinerate them and their big pockets.

"I seriously hate writing bios for myself, so let's just say something like I'm a freelance writer with a small-town-newspaper audience and an amateur French horn player and that nothing I enjoy doing ever earns me any money. Or just leave out the money part. Whatever you want."

First of all, let's get a couple things straight. You should definitely buy an iPad. I understand that you are far too busy and important to be bothered with learning anything at all and would much rather hopelessly stumble around in a pool filled with your own ignorance rather than take 30 seconds out of your hectic life to spend maintaining that $400 piece of crap you bought seven years ago and somehow expect to perform what you can only hypothesize is some form of voodoo that ultimately results in YouTube videos of ticklish penguins or cats playing on treadmills. So, by all means, please go purchase one of these magical iPads and don't bother your pretty little face with the most miniscule amounts of knowledge required for modern PC maintenance.

Yeah, I know. That was a pretty long paragraph and since you aren't the strongest reader I'm guessing that you probably didn't really catch all that. That's ok. It's because you are stupid. And definitely too stupid to run a PC.I would wager that you don't really have even the most basic aspects of your computer setup properly.

1. Antivirus
2. Backups
3. Updates

I know it sounds simple but you really need to remember how totally useless and ineffectual you are when confronted with these types of problems. You know, problems that require attention to solve.

At this point, it probably didn't occur to you to make any type of effort to search for a solution to these problems on your own, so I went ahead and did all the work for you.

Click here, dumbass.

That's called a Google search. It may be referred to as “googling” something.

On a related topic, have you ever heard that story about feeding a person vs. teaching them how to fish?

Moving on... Pointless as it may be....

Go ahead and download Microsoft Security Essentials and install it (you did follow the link, didn't you?). If you already have some other antivirus software installed than you may actually be a little smarter than I have been giving you credit for but probably not because it likely expired 2 years ago and you didn't do anything about the numerous messages that it sent you warning you of said expiration because you were scared or something ridiculous like that. If that is not the case, then remove that other antivirus software anyway because you probably did something wrong and I really don't give a crap if you paid $120 for it at Best Buy. That was your own dumb fault.

I digress...Install Microsoft Security Essentials and run a scan on your computer. It will most likely find a bunch of spyware and viruses from the 4 hours a day you spend on YouPorn. Yeah, there is no such thing as free....not even on the internet. Are you this stupid in real life too?

Whatever. Once that is finished then you should setup some backups. Or not. I don't even know why I am trying.

Oh yeah, I remember. I'm trying to help now because in 3 months when your hard drive dies after you failed to backup the only copy of your wedding photos and the videos of your child's first steps, I'm really hoping that you won't resort to calling me, because when I drive out to your crappy apartment, you'll be subjected to my exposed ass while I crawl under your desk to open your disgusting crusty dusty ancient piece of crap computer where it's likely I'll tell you, "You must have climbed up a stupid tree with your computer then fallen out, smacking every branch on the way down because all of your memories are gone forever."

Install Crashplan. Just click the link...

Are you really too lazy to find this yourself?

Crashplan is cheap/free. Don't think about it. Thinking isn't really your strong suit. Just do it. Download it, install it.

And finally, the last item on our list, updates. You should install them. Always. No exceptions. Make sure your computer is configured to install updates automatically because you are pretty much made of stupid and can't really be trusted with anything this important.

If you are running Windows 7 then you can type “Windows Update” in the search bar at the bottom of the start menu to find the proper settings. If you are running Windows Vista or Windows XP then you are a moron and should get a computer that was built some time after Stone Henge. If you don't know what version of Windows you are running then you are pretty much hopeless and should just give up and get an iPad. It has all your favorite cat videos from the youtubes...I promise.

-David Holder

They told him, “Why would you leave the city in spring? Summer is coming and it will make the months of darkness worth it.” But Theo doesn't really like Chicago summers either. So Theo went to the Amtrak station and scanned the list of cities for one that sounded warm. He bought a cup of hot chocolate and a bag of peanuts and finished them in the lobby while he waited for his train.
He smiled at a woman with a little boy asleep in her lap. She hung her feet over a large suitcase and jiggled one foot in the air. She was heading somewhere. And so was Theo.

He boarded his train, watched the wind shake the trees and turn out umbrellas as the train left the station. It was warm when he got off; he unzipped his jacket and rested a hand on his neck. This was Charleston, South Carolina, and a faint breeze tickled the hairs on Theo's face.

There was no overachieving younger brother in Charleston to show Theo up; there's no one to remind Theo what he could have been. Just the sounds of jazz coming from a small cafe and houses with big porches, every one of them. There was no girl at the lake telling him that his hair was dirty. If there was a girl like that in Charleston, Theo couldn't tell. They were all smiling faces from where he was standing. No, this was not Chicago. The smell of the ocean reached his nose and Theo couldn't wait for what summer would bring.

About the Author: Claire Bartlett has been writing since she was a child, though it was mostly about orphan princesses then. Now she concentrates on subjects so depressing, no one will ever want to read them. She has previously been published in the Journal of Ordinary Thought (www.jot.org) and in Pocket Lint, Beloit College's literary journal. She is the Youth Outreach Coordinator at the Mount Prospect Public Library, which allows her to read and talk about books all day and subject small children to her ukulele playing and singing.

I love the changing of the seasons because it really expands my wardrobe. Technically, my jean shorts are deemed inappropriate by my office dress code, but I think exceptions can be made when you look this good in a particular piece of clothing.  I can tell they have caught my boss’ eye too, because I always catch him staring at them.  Maybe I’ll bring him a pair.  You can get pretty hot while computer programming, and a pair of short pants just makes good sense.He’s not the only one that has been taking notice either.  The other day, I was rollerblading down the sidewalk, and someone yelled out from a moving car, “Hey, d-bag, nice jorts!”  Now I’m not sure what the word d-bag means, but it did feel really good to get some praise for my jean shorts.  They really are very snazzy.  I don’t like the word jorts, however.  I’m not sure why.  Maybe it’s because it sounds too much like warts, or farts, so I think I’ll just keep calling them jean shorts.

Just this morning, I spilled some Mountain Dew on my shorts while I was eating breakfast.  Obviously, I was distraught at first, but the more I look at the stain, the more I think it looks pretty neat.  The color of the soda compliments the wash nicely, and if you scrunch your eyes up, the stain kind of looks like Tom Brady.

If you haven’t seen my jean shorts yet, don’t worry, you’ll have plenty of chances to see them.  I’ll probably be wearing them every waking moment until the leaves start to turn, which is at least three and half months away.

- Cecil

Lyrics

The sky is gray and the air is cold
And the days are short, and I'm not that old
But it has been other ways, don't you remember?
There was a time we could run and play
I'd go hunting any time of day!
Now we just breathe smoke and blow on burning embers

When your best friend is the sun, it's a pain in the neck
Cause when he leaves he won't say when he's coming back

Woke up today just like yesterday
Only yesterday wasn't freezing rain
It was cold, but it was dry, I wasn't bothered
So I spent last night in an open field
And I woke up to a thunder peal
If I'd found a cave, I wouldn't be soaked with water

Now you'd think that every day would be the same
But whichever guy controls the sky
Won't stop playing games
And what if it keeps on this way -
Wetter and colder every day?
My life would be a frozen awful shame

But something's changed and I can't explain:
There ain't no more wind and ain't no more rain
And the smoke that clouds the air is dissipating
And I see a deer over yonder hill;
If I hurry, dear, I can catch it still!
Ah, the thrill of hunt is so exhilarating

If I sneak up real slow, this one won't be anticipating
Ug

With the drop date less than a month away, The Leadership set to work on their debut album Frontiers. The band made the thrifty decision to self produce, saving their money for beer instead. Park slipped into the engineer's chair, treating the studio as another instrument. The band tracked the basics, then found ways to incorporate new sounds into their vintage-leaning songs. They did this by using a pile of rescued Casios, the heating vents, fuzz pedals, and slowed-down tape machines. The outcome is a set of songs filled with raw energy and honesty. Frontiers was released on December 9th, 2010 to a packed house and a swell of blog buzz

The Leadership will be playing the Midwest and beyond this summer.

Lyrics

10 miles shattered in it's wake
And her life can not be reclaimed
Tornadoes
They can't be satisfied
I saw her ripped up in the sky

They said it wouldn't get this bad
But they're the worst we've ever had
Tornadoes
They've taken all the roads
There's no place safe to go

Ground We're living Underground we're living underground
Ground We're living Underground we're living underground
Long ago will be the days when living in the sun was safe
Ground We're living underground we're living underground

There's no reason to rebuild
They'll be back and then we will
Have no Choice
But to take shelter from these storms
Our life was good but now it's gone

Ground We're living Underground we're living underground
Ground We're living Underground we're living underground
Long ago will be the days when living in the sun was safe
Ground We're living underground we're living underground

We burnt the bridge down log ago
We sold the last deed to our home
They will shake on and on and on and on and on and on and on

Ground We're Moving Underground We're moving Underground
Ground We're Moving Underground We're moving Underground
Ground We're Moving Underground We're moving Underground
Ground We're Moving Underground We're moving Underground

Erik Stonikas - Songwriting, Guitar, Vocals
Marty Tilton - Arrangement, Trumpet, Strings, Percussion
Michelle Holder - Songwriting, Vocals

Stay tuned for more music from The Bellwether here on Clothesline Productions!

Lyrics

your freedom is a joke
your freedom is a lie
they paddle, prod, and poke
from castles in the sky

your happiness is bought
your happiness is sold
too busy for a thought
too busy to go home

they make you speed it up
with fear that you'll run out
they bog you down with stuff
and shove it in your mouth

spit it out

welcome to the undertow I trust that you'll adjust
they insist on punishment for those who make a fuss
but being told that hope is dead is punishment enough
so we design vernacular to fill our tummies up

with love

the meaning doesn't hide
as long as you are sane
the choices are a prize
as long as you are game

your freedom is a joke
your freedom is a lie
they laugh so hard they choke
they laugh so hard they die

who's laughing now?

Lyrics

i sold my soul
for freedom
i sold your heart
for freedom

infatuation comes just like infatuation goes
where infatuation stops, nobody knows
you're sitting in your chair
telling me that i don't care
because you wouldn't be the same without me here

girl, you're not the one for me
you're not the one for me
girl, you're not the one for me
you're not the one for me

my resignation comes just like my resignation goes
where my resignation stops, nobody knows
now you're sitting over here
and your eyes are filled with fear
because you'll never be the same without me here

you're not the one
you're not the one
you're not the one
you're not the one

i sold my soul
i sold your heart

girl, you're not the one for me
you're not the one for me

How about, "New Media Magazine?" If you have any better ideas, please leave your suggestions in the comments at the bottom of this post.

Whatever you call it, what matters is what you do with it. Here's what I recommend:

1. Start the playlist in the next post.
2. Listen while checking out the photography and writing.

If you like the music, click the "Download" link in the playlist. It will take you to where you can download the whole album at a price you set, $0 - $6+. But more importantly - if you like it, pass it on! Find us on Facebook and Twitter too.

Enjoy!