COCKPUNCH POWER POLL
Our friends over at You Deserve a Cockpunch are here to count down the most cockpunchable people on the planet for the week we learned that Touched: The Jerry Sandusky Story is STILL available on Amazon.com.
Earlier this week, we were at the bar for the You Deserve a Cockpunch holiday party 1 when a commercial came on for the Smillow, which is basically a contoured pillow with a rectangular hole in the middle. The rectangular hole lets people fall asleep while wearing their glasses without damaging them. Suffice to say the commercial included many dramatic reenactments of people waking up from a nap with their glasses all bent to shit and, upon discovering the ramifications of their Smillow-less slumber, reacting as though a homeless man just shit in their mouth. Throughout, Lindsey Walden, inventor of the Smillow, lists off the Smillow’s many features and benefits: Contoured for comfort! One size fits all! Protects your glasses from ten pound bowling balls! All of that for only $14.99, plus shipping and handling, or for free if, you know, you JUST TAKE OFF YOUR FUCKING GLASSES.
Bill Romanowski was, without question, one of the dirtiest player in history of the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE. He kicked one dude in the head, spit in another dude’s face, punched a teammate in the face during practice and broke his eye socket, forcing him into early retirement; the dude was fucking insane. So, naturally, he’s an analyst for Comcast SportsNet, offering brilliant, steroid-fueled insight like this:
The Secretary of Health and Human Services has never overruled Federal Drug Administration decisions on drug approval. That is, until last week, when former Kansas governor and current HHS secretary Kathleen Sebelius countermanded the FDA’s decision to make emergency contraception available to people under the age of 17 without a prescription. The president stood behind the secretary’s decision despite the fact there is no scientific rationale for allowing over-the-counter access to women age 17 and older while requiring a prescription for those younger than 17. Don’t get us wrong, we know there are plenty of political rationales, but we were under the impression that those wouldn’t cut it anymore when it came to public health. We got a memo that said as much, anyway. Maybe we just read it wrong.
- Just so everyone knows, we have a HOLIDAY TREE in our living room (not a Christmas tree), our kids are getting HOLIDAY PRESENTS (not Christmas gifts) and we will eat HOLIDAY DINNER (not a Christmas meal), and we will attend a HOLIDAY PARTY (not a Christmas party). We will also very cheerfully wish you a HAPPY HOLIDAYS! (not… Merry Christmas). By the way, if you want to have a Merry Christmas, by all means do, we respect that. If you want to have a Happy Hanukkah, by all means do, we respect that. If you want to have a Blessed Kwanzaa, we also respect that. We want to have a HAPPY HOLIDAYS, so I ask YOU to respect that!!! [↩]
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